Thursday, November 12, 2015

This Can't Be Happening.

{SO, I wrote this post a while ago, and didn't get around to finishing it.  I reopened it this morning, and was kind of sad I didn't post it.  I've added on my feelings now that we are a few months into it.}

Written Septemeber 3, 2015

I wrote the title of this blog post three days ago.  Then, I bawled like a baby and had to shut the computer down.  In less than a week, my first born, sweet little Gwen is starting Kindergarten.

Deep breath.

Let me first say that I am SO excited for her.  Excited for all she will learn.  For all the friendships she will make.  For all of the fun she is about to have.

But, I am so sad.

"Our" time is over.  I know, I know, it's not OVER.  But, she won't be here, WITH ME, all day every day anymore.  And for the past 5 years... that is all that I, we, have known.  And don't get me wrong, there are days that I could lose my mind, but I have loved every. single. second.  of it.

I feel like I have literally blinked and BAM she's going into Kindergarten.

Weren't we just starting solid foods?!  Rolling over?! Walking?!

Where did it all go??

My heart aches a little bit.  Shit, a lot.  UGH!!

I recently was at my nephew's birthday party and walked into a room and a conversation and overheard a woman saying, "I'm just obsessed with being a mom." And at first, I was like, "Wow, that's intense."  But the more and more I think about it, I am obsessed with being a mom to Gwen and Addie.  Gwen made me a mom.  She and Addie are the greatest gifts I have ever been given.  And oddly, I wish I had a little more time before she started school.


Written today, November 12, 2015

Taking Gwen to school that first day, she did great.  We did too, until I got into the car alone (with Addie) on the way home.  Our Frozen CD was playing, and I just LOST it.  Like, couldn't control it, ugly cry.  I was SO sad that she wasn't in the car with me singing "Let It Go" for the umpteenth millionth time.  That she wasn't going to run our normal errands with us.  I was a mess.

The next few days, I did ok, but then it happened again.  I couldn't control it.  I called my husband and laughed, "WHY is this still happening!?!?"  I thought I was over this.  But, I wasn't yet.  Maybe it was because she was turning five that week, or that she had her first loose tooth, who knows.  It just seems like so much of the "baby" in her was being taken away all at once.

She did great going into school, but you could see little changes in her those first few weeks that let me know I wasn't the only one who was feeling it.

For example:

One of the first few days, I went to the store and bought her a garbage can for her room.  A FROZEN garbage can.  I'm thinking she is going to LOVE it, and be so happy I got her something while she was in school.  She'd be all smiles and I get a BEST MOM EVER hug.

Not the case.

I left it in her room for her to see when she came home, thinking things are always better when a surprise... I was wrong.  She came out of the room HYSTERICAL.  She was so upset that it was there, but had no real reason for the tears.  I told her I would get rid of it then, to which she cried even harder.

So, let me get this straight.  You don't want it, but you don't want me to throw it out either?!?  Well, THAT plan backfired.  She was up until 10-10:30pm crying and trying to work it out.  All of this over a GARBAGE CAN.

And then I figured it out...

She wasn't upset THAT I bought it.  She was upset that I didn't buy it with her.  I don't think that she had thought about or realized that Addie and I would still be doing things (things that she had done with us) while she was in school.  She was upset that she wasn't a part of it.

In the morning, she told me that she wanted to keep the garbage can, and I told her that she didn't have to, unless she wanted to.  And I reminded her that her and I will still have plenty of time to go out together and shop or run errands or go to the park.  I think that helped.

We are into Kindergarten a little over a month now, and I am happy to report that we are all surviving.  Seriously though, it has gotten easier, and we have fallen into quite a nice routine.  Does that mean that I don't miss her like crazy??  No.  Does it mean that there aren't some days I wish that I could send her back to school?? No.  It seems we have found a happy middle ground for the most part.

What do I miss?

I miss knowing every detail of her day.  Getting daily details from a 5 year old is like playing a game of Clue.  You get a little bit here, a little there, and then it's up to you to put it all together.  Or hours, sometimes days later, she pops up with this random piece of info from a question you asked last Tuesday.

I miss actually conversing with someone who can form a whole sentence all day.  Of course, I am loving my time with Addie Kay, but Gwen and I were at a point where we were having "real" conversations.  Yes, those conversations were about Disney, dress up, what theme her next birthday (and birthday after that) would be, etc., but they were some funny and entertaining convos.  Now, I am back in the land of diciphering screams, points, and half correct words... which on some days can be exhausting in itself.

I miss her.  I just do.

But, I am beaming with pride because of how well she is doing.  She seems smarter (and older) by the day.  It's safe to say that her being in school makes me appreciate and treasure the time that she is here with me.  And, it is making me value this time with Addie Kay even more.  I could start to cry again, just thinking that this will be Addie in a few years.  Ugh. I can't.

Only 12 days until Thanksgiving break.  And only 40 until Christmas Break.
Not that I'm counting, though.

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