Remembering.

I used to think that when people said they knew exactly where the were the moment JFK was shot, or a war began, etc., that there was NO WAY they knew EXACTLY every detail.  I thought, "not possible."  Until September 11, 2001.

I was 17.  I was a senior in Mr. Andrews' Marketing class.  It was the strangest, eeriest, most confusing day, to say the least.  I remember being in denial that it could possibly be "on purpose," or a terrorist attack.  Then, feeling violated.  "What was happening?!"  Even if it wasn't being said, there was panic throughout the halls.  Quiet panic.

I remember calling out of work and going to home to an empty house while my mom was still at work for a little while.  I had been home alone plenty of times.  But, this was different.  I didn't want to be alone.  I couldn't grasp what I was seeing. What was happening.  I remember worrying, "Is it over yet?!"  I lived in a town with a power plant, "Was that next?!"  It was the most unsafe I (as well as many others) have ever felt, to this day.

The world changed that day.  At 17, I became a lot less naive about the world that I lived in.  A lot more skeptical.  A bit less carefree.  I'm sure we all did.

I didn't lose any family or friends, but I did feel loss.  And with each year, I feel more and more emotional about it.  I see the children who were young, sometimes even infants or yet to be born when their loved ones were taken, and I, now a mom, cry at the thought that they don't know their moms or dads.  Or I see the husbands and wives who's "happily ever after" was cut short and I, now a wife, feel their heartache.

It's so strange because with each year, I feel more affected by the loss of innocence.  This year especially.

My Uncle, Tom, is a fireman for the NYFD.  He was not my uncle at the time, but is now, and I am always in awe of his bravery, and how humble he is while doing it.  He responded to Ground Zero that day and spent many months helping in the recovery.  I've heard him tell stories of that day, of the brothers he lost, and how apocalyptic it was.

I don't think I could put into words how much I admire him.  He's a great guy and our family is lucky to have him as a part of ours.

He gave Hubs and I the most amazing opportunity this summer.  When the 9/11 Museum opened, they first opened it up to all of the first responders, their families, and residents of the area, and he let us go with him.

To say that it was emotional is the understatements of all understatements.  It was like it had happened the day before. It was tragic, yet beautiful.  Hubs and I sort of felt like outsiders because we knew that everyone we were walking around with were there.  These were THEIR memories, they LIVED right in it.  We would be walking around looking at pictures and hear people (including my uncle) say, "Oh look, there's _____" It was surreal.  Things like wallets and eyeglasses, and bikes. Broadcasts from the moment it was happening... one minute they were talking about who's dating who in the celebrity world, and the next we were under attack.  Voice mails to and from loved ones... the last ever exchanged.  The dispatch calls, calling pretty much every possible unit who wasn't already there.  It was unbelievable.

We were there for a few hours, yet I am sure that we could have spent even more.

I am so thankful for that experience, and one day, when they are old enough to comprehend it, I will walk with my girls through the museum and tell my "I remember" story.  And show them that among all of this chaos, we, as a nation, as human beings, persevered.  That good will always win over evil.

I will Never Forget  that day.  Thank you to all the men and women who serve our country, the people who put their lives on the line for the safety of others.  You are heroes that walk among us.

Mom Guilt

It's been just about four years since I've "worked".  I know, I know, I DO work, but I mean, leave the house, commute, collect a paycheck-kind of work.  I feel extremely blessed to spend every day with my kiddos, but that doesn't mean that I haven't dealt with "Mom Guilt".

The most ridiculous thing is that the only one who guilts me... is me. Dumb, but true.

Hubs is super supportive in so many ways about me being a SAHM.  I mean, we do have the occasional "You think I have a party every day at work" "No, but you do shit by yourself, right?" argument, but he is the first one to accept cooking dinner because I seem fried {or just because}, the first one to say "Go. Just go." when the day is long and I am not asking for a break.  He's truly great. He prefers that I am home with them... just as much as me.

It's me who, once I finally step foot outside of the house without a diaper bag or kids, feels like "I should be with them." Or "I shouldn't be this tired or stressed out." It's me who "reprimands" myself for not being more patient, or creative, or whatever other critique I can put on myself.

I also find myself cringing sometimes when answering the question, "What do you do?"  "Oh, I'm just a stay-at-home mom."  Like, wtf, Sam?!  What I do is important.  And just because I don't bring home a paycheck, I am saving my family money by being the childcare.  So WHY do I do that??? What I do is just as important as anyone else, and I should be proud of it.

It's such a strange thing, Mom guilt.  It makes me question myself more than I ever could have imagined. I am lucky enough to have these beautiful little reminders that I am doing something right, something that matters, that I am doing a good "job"...

Friday Five.

ONE.
Addie Kay is 8 months old {Hold me.} and a crawling MACHINE.  She gets p-i-s-s-e-d when "contained" in a playpen and such.  Like YELLS.  She wants her freedom, dammit.  Girlfriend is also standing on her own. Not for super long amounts of time, but still.  I think there's a good possibility that I could have a walker before 10 months... Lord help me.

TWO.
Momma is counting down the days until Pumpkin coffee arrives at DD {Sept. 1st}.  I am looking forward to fall, and football and all things pumpkin.  I may have already had an Octoberfest already... and may or may not be drinking one now.  I am pumpkin/fall READY.  I have loved this summer and will be sad to see it go, but nothing compares to Fall.  Nothing.

THREE.
ALS Ice Bucket Challenge "Haters."  You're dumb.  Yeah, yeah, you're charitable every day.  And dumping water over our heads isn't doing anything for ALS.  Shut. The. Front. Door.  We're all talking about ALS, no?? More people than probably ever are donating to the cause.  But, you still need to be Debbie Downer, right?? Again.  You're dumb.  You're those people that need to complain/argue about everything. Chill out.  Actually, dump a bucket of ice water on your head... it'll help.

FOUR.
Oh, four.  Miss Gwen will be four in a few weeks.  And although she makes me want to drink wine with breakfast lose my mind on the reg, she's a really smart and funny and {of course} beautiful little lady.  She loves life and has a huge heart, just like her Daddy.  She's also a human MAP.  Seriously.  When I tell her where we are going, she immediately tells me which direction I need to be going.  My brother was just like that, so she must get it from him.  I could cry that she isn't my little baby anymore, but love the new adventures we have each day.

FIVE.
The five day "fluke."  Last Thursday, was Gwen's first "dry" night without a Pull-Up.  The she went the rest of our long weekend the same way, even while away from home.  Then, when we got home she had another accident... and every night since then.  Tonight I am putting a Pull-Up back on her, because honestly, I can't handle another night of crying and her ending up in our bed.  Any tips for training through the night??

Hope you have a great weekend!

Accepting This Me

For the past two years, summers mostly, I've struggled with Eczema and skin infections, to the point where I felt TRAPPED in my skin.  In my own body.  Sun hurt, water hurt, I was itching constantly (even though I knew it was making the situation worse), and was completely miserable. I didn't want to get dressed in the morning.  I didn't want to go anywhere.  I wanted to cover every inch of me so no one could see.

I was also struggling my body image, not last summer while I was pregnant, but even more so after having Addie.  I was a wreck. I spent countless hours at the dermatologist, who didn't seem to have any answers for me... I later learned she was a waste of my time (2+ years).

The skin thing would "peak" in the spring and summer, and then would subside (for the most part) in the fall and winter.  But as soon as May, and heat, and humidity came back, so did the problem.

I had had enough.

I needed to take back control.

Right around mid-May, I consulted with my Aunt, who is a Holistic Health Coach, and she helped me find a path that was going to better my life.  She gave me that BOOST that I needed. I knew that by changing what I was putting into my body, my body AND skin would benefit.  And it really has.

I did, however, had to realize a few things before I started...

I didn't get HERE in a day, so I won't be getting THERE in a day.  My body and skin didn't get this way overnight.  I had to see that it took a long time to get to this unhappy place, so it may take some time so get back.  I am a VERY visual person, so the scale (although not what I judge success on) has been my friend.  Even if it wasn't going down, it was encouraging to not see it going up.

Everything takes two weeks.  My Aunt shared this with me, and I am so grateful that she did, because in that first two weeks, there were so many times when I wanted to say, "Fck it, I quit."  But, I didn't.  And after those two weeks, this "change" I made, was just my new normal.  We train ourselves to eat badly, so we have to train ourselves back.

I have to be doing this for just me.  Listen, I am BEYOND lucky that I have a husband that loves me unconditionally.  He tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am, but when I don't feel beautiful, it doesn't matter what he says.  I needed to be doing this to make ME happy.... and I mean, let's be serious, when Momma's happy, everyone benefits.

This is a different body than I've had before.  This body of mine, has grown TWO humans dammit.  It's expanded, contracted, widened, and many other things.  I need to be proud of that.  Of this body, no matter what it's shape.  I will never be 23 year old Sam again, and that's ok.

So I changed my eating habits.  For the most part, I took out wheat and dairy.  Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a little blue cheese in my salad here and there, but my go to breakfast is no longer a bagel with a ridiculous amount of cream cheese (although that still is very tempting).  I have been filling my diet with tons of veggies and fruits and protein.  I'm not eating anything that is "boxed or bagged" because processed food pretty much sucks for you.  I'm eating to fuel my body and not just to eat.  And drinking a lot of water.

It's taken thus far, but my skin has been it's clearest in two years AND I am down about 25 lbs!!!!!

I. feel. free.

I am happy with me.  This me.  It IS about the skin and not so much the weight (but it's a pretty great freakin' bonus).  I don't feel trapped by my eating decisions or choices.  I don't feel stuck inside this unfamiliar body.  I feel when I made good eating choices, and feel it even more when I don't.

My happiness has affected my family.  Me being happy, leads to me being more pleasant, a bit more confident, and a lot less cranky (unless my 3 year old is throwing a tantrum).  And each relationship is our house is better for it.

I could not be more thankful to my Aunt for giving me the guidance and strength and ideas to push through with this.  She KNOWS her stuff.  And is so right about our body being about balance and how we need to listen to our body.  If you are having any health issues, or concerns and want to talk to her, you can contact Deb Lyons here.

It feels good to be happy!

Sunday Social.

1. What is the most difficult thing you have been through? Losing my Pop.  I truly believed that man would live forever.  The day that we got the phone call that he was being put on hospice, I was in shock.  I didn't believe it.  The only thing that weakened the blow was having him with us for the last month of his life.  There wasn't anything left unsaid, on either parts.  It will be two years on July 30th, and it oddly feels like it's been an eternity since he's been gone, but I also can't believe that it has been that long already.  Make sense?  I still have voicemails from him that I play regularly.  The happiness in his voice helps take the sting away.

2. What was your best birthday? I've had a bunch of really great ones, but I'd say my 30th has been the best so far.  It's the first one I've celebrated with BOTH of my girls, and then had a great night out with my family and friends.  I may also be partial to it because I am loving 30. 

3. What has been your favorite thing you've done in your own city? There's a couple that I can think of. 1) I love the 4th of July fireworks here.  They are so well done, and the town has a fun bad playing and slides and stuff for the kids. 2) There's a super exclusive golf club here in town, that like celebrities fly in to play on and this past month, we got to have dinner there (a work function for Hubs).  They had a cake from the Cake Boss (it was even filmed for the show), and the views were amazing.  It's fun to say that we've been there.  3) I love that we've found "our" little restaurant.  I used to always push Hubs to try new places and usually we weren't impressed.  So we stick to our favorite now. They know us by name, and have known us since before we were even engaged.

4. What is your idea of the perfect date night? Dinner and drinks, preferably on the water around sunset. With a live band.   

5. Have you ever been to a blogging conference? No.  And I don't plan on it any time soon.  The next chance I get at a getaway will be with my husband, a beach, and a big ole' umbrella drink!

Wins, Losses, and Other Current Statuses.

Wow, I cannot even tell you the last time that I opened up this page.  It has definitely been awhile, but there just hasn't been the time (or the motivation to be honest).  It seems with every free moment, I am sneaking in a shower, or a load of laundry, or some snuggles with whichever little lady of mine is available.  But, in the past week or so, I have been thinking about this space of mine.  Of how it's like a little form a therapy.  How it's my grown up activity, that requires no babysitter, lol, ok maybe sometimes I could use a sitter.  ANYWAY...

What's up with us?!  Tons.

Currently...

Addie is 7 months old!!! (WTF?!?!)  How the hell did that happen??? She is about 15lbs.  Not sure of the inches.  And the happiest little thing on Earth.  No, really.  I mean, of course she cries, duh, but it's mostly bc she needs something (or the DAMN teeth) and otherwise she has a smile on her face.

We don't ever call her Addison.  Maybe once every now and then.  But, mostly, it is Addie, Addie Kay, or Addiecakes.  Or Sissy.

Speaking of Sissy, they ADORE each other.  Before Gwen's eyes are even open in the morning she says, "Momma, is Addie Kay awake??"  And when Addie sees Gwen, she reaches for her face and pull her in for a nice slobber.  They both love it.

Gwen, will be 4 in September.  (I think I just had a heart attack.)  She just finished her first year of preschool with an adorable little "show" that they put on for us.  (Hubs and I could not stop crying. Saps.)  She just seems so grown up these days.  Why seems to be her favorite word, and testing mom's limits seem to be her favorite activity these days... but she's three and this is to be expected, or at least that is what I am telling myself so I don't lose my sanity.  All in all though, she is a GREAT kid, and I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to be her mom... even when she is in time out. ;)

Wins.

Remember that little challenge I gave myself - "15 by 30" to lose 15lbs, change eating habits, yada yada yada?  Yeah, that didn't happen. Until now.  I've changed a lot of the way that I eat, I am trying to sneak in some exercises here and there, and since about Mother's Day, I have lost 20lbs.  Bam.  Not only do I feel better about myself (which inadvertently affects everyone else in the house), but I feel healthier.  I'm not done working on myself yet, but I am getting there.

Hubs did a little work to the backyard a few weeks back.. and now there is a place for Gwen to place.  She even has one of those bounce house things (yes, I am aware of all the stories of them flying away. I tie it down, no worries).  Why is this a "win"??? Because girlfriend is BEAT by the end of the day.  AND usually sleeps in til about 8am.

We just got back from vacation! And even though, I could already use another one, it was exactly what we needed.  It was even better than last year.  Gwen tore up the water park one day.  We beached it almost every other.  And Hubs even managed to sneak in some golf (surprise, surprise).  

Losses.

I've been feeling very overwhelmed in the "mom" department.  I feel like I get worked up too easily, that I get a little loud too often.  I just can't stand repeating myself 18,000,000 times... "Slow down."  "No Running." No. NO. NO.  It's exhausting. I'm trying to fix it... but sometimes easier said than done.

I don't give myself enough "me" time.  I don't ask for it often enough.  Which is probably what is causing the above problem mentioned.  I need to realize that it's ok to step away.  Completely alone.  That I'm not a bad mom for wanting to sneak away.  That it will most likely help me be a better mom.

Teething sucks.  And I forgot how bad it sucks.  Need I say more?

Other Stuff.
Gwen started dance class... and LOVES it!  It is probably the cutest thing I have ever seen, and I have to keep myself from tearing up while I watch her.

While on vacation, Addie started crawling!  It's all she wants to do now, she has been unleashed! Time to bring the gates back out!

My blog needs a revamping.  And do I need to change the name now?? Someone had mentioned that to me a while ago, but I just don't think that I could do it.  Maybe, one day, something will hit me, but until then, the name stays.

That's all, for now.  Hope it's not another few months before my next post ;)

I Have A Blog?!?

I can't believe that it has been SO long since I've written anything!! I have to be honest, I have rarely thought about this... and when I actually have thought about it, or even had a moment to write... I've chosen to nap.  Or do laundry.  Or watch shitty reality tv the news.  I just haven't had the energy, nor the oomph, to sit down and really write.  Sorry.

So I guess here's a little recap.

I've been a busy Momma.  Addie is growing so quickly! She's 3 months already (holy shizballs), "talks" all the time, is super smiley, and (knock wood) sleeping through the night.  She's 12 lb 12.5 oz.  23 inches long.  And such a sweetheart.

Gwen is 3 and 1/2 and going on 30.  I swear.  The things that come out of this kid's mouth make me laugh on the daily.  They also make me cringe sometimes too!  She's getting smarter by the minute it seems, and it makes her seem less and less like that little baby she once was.  She's a fabulous big sister and is just so in love with her "Addie-cakes."  Heart. Melt.

I'm sick of snow.  If it snows again, I may need to be committed to the psych ward.  No joke.  Being stuck inside with a toddler and newborn all winter has been exhausting.

THEN, the DAY is was not subarctic warmer out, it was like Oprah showed up, but instead of giving away a glamorous gift, we all got upper respiratory infections.
"YOU GET AN UPPER RESPIRATORY INFECTION!"
"AND YOU GET AN UPPER RESPIRATORY INFECTION!"
"UPPER RESPIRATORY INFECTIONS FOR EVERYOOOOOOOOOONE!'

Yeah.  That was awesome. Shouldn't moms not be able to get sick???  And of course, I was a mess that Addie was sick.  I knew she would be fine, but she was barely 3 months old, and there wasn't much I could do for her except snuggle her as much as possible.

We are all on the mend (of course Hubs didn't get sick), but it was definitely a long and exhausting week for us all.

Then, my brother and his wife welcomed their first child (and my first niece!) into the world!!  Beautiful baby Mackenzie made an early (about 3+ weeks) appearance into the world (just a few hours past her Daddy's birthday!).  She's super cute and I can't believe how tiny she is, especially next to Addie.  It seems FOREVER ago that she was that little. ::insert sad face::

Gwen went back to school for the first time in a week yesterday (Thank God), and then we had a low key St. Patrick's Day full of corned beef and a few drinks.

I'm sure that I am leaving out TONS of things, but it's all I've got for now ;)