I Want A New Mommy.

Today was one of my worst days as a mom.  Those words - "I want a new mom" actually came out of my baby girl's mouth.  Over a waffle.  With butter.  And syrup.

Let me back up.

Gwen's eating habits kinda suck.  Her menu is small.  And she would rather me cut off an arm than try something new.  And it takes a RIDICULOUS amount of time. But, this is all my fault.  I've created this.  So, I've just always dealt with it.

Until recently.

I figured that since Gwen is four now and we can communicate a lot easier, that it was the perfect time to start correcting these "issues."

First up... nothing at the table but dinner.

No toys.  No iPad.  No distractions.  Just dinner.  I've been bad with this because when Gwen eats, it's usually just me with the girls here.  I am balancing Gwen's dinner, feeding Addie, and usually making our dinner all at the same time.  So, I am ashamed to say that having Gwen distracted a little while eating... helps me. {cringe}

So yesterday, I laid it down to her.  And she SCREAMED until she threw up.  I shit you not.  I put her to bed at 5pm because she was SO bad.  And I had LOST my cool.  I was SO thrown by the way she reacted.  When Hubs got home, I left.  I got in the car and freaked out.  I was so pissed at the way I handled things.  At how far they had gone {her not eating and being in bed by 5pm AND asleep because of all the crying}.  I prayed that this wouldn't be something she remembers when she grows up.  That she would forgive me in the morning.  And that I would find my patience to deal with it again today.  Because I know, that to change something takes at least two weeks.

She woke up thinking that it was a one time deal.  She loved me again.  But had thought she won the battle.  So I made her usual {as of late} waffles, with butter and syrup.  Put it on the empty table and said, "Ok, baby time for breakfast. Hop on up."

Her lip started to quiver.

"No, baby, you can do this.  Just eat and THEN we can play."

"My belly hurts."

"No it doesn't Gwen, you are just upset that you can't have what you want."

I then feed her a piece of waffle and instead of chewing she SCREAMS at the top  of her lungs.

This continues for longer then I care to remember.  Because all I can hear is her saying, "I want a new mommy."

Now, in the moment, it enraged me.  I knew what she was doing.  She was trying to do anything not to eat the waffle.  A waffle!!! Not like it was a fucking brussel sprout here.  So, I let it go.  But the morning got to the point where she was sent to her room because her screaming led to Addie crying which then led to a shitshow of a morning.  And once she got to her room... I lost it. 

She wants a new mom?!?

I'm that awful?!?

I couldn't contain the tears.

I felt like a failure.

After a few minutes she called me in, asking if she had school.  To which I replied, only if she ate some more.  We compromised.  She ate some more, but not it all.  And she ended up telling me that she didn't want me to go.  She didn't want a new mom.  But, you can't erase that from your mind.

The rest of the day we both treated each other so softly.  Reminding each other that we loved each other.  And dinner... well, it was a big step up from last night {and this morning}.  Tonight she said one more time before I left her room, "I'm sorry Mommy.  I don't want you to go."

I said back to her, "I'm never going anywhere, Gwen. I love you."

Parenting is some ride, man.  Some ride.  

I Don't Have A Baby...

Addie Kay is 10 months old (yesterday), and yes, I know that still makes "a baby," but this kid wants NO part of being a baby.  She is growing up way faster than I could have ever imagined!

She has been walking since a week before she turned 9 months.  AN 8 MONTH OLD WALKER! She basically skipped crawling and went straight to running.  She is miserable in a playpen, high chair, stroller, etc.  She wants to move, move, move.  It's soooo strange seeing this tiny little "doll" running around the house. And it also means that I never get a break... unless she's sleeping.  I do have to admit that I am so proud of her, and love watching her run into my arms.  The. cutest.

Addison also wants NO part of "baby" food.  None.  She sees that bowl and spoon and no matter how hungry, she tightens her lips together, turns her head to the side, and begins flailing her arms in every which way, which usually results in a baby food shower for us both.  She wants "big kid" food and wants to feed it to herself like a "big girl."  So, we have been trying to accommodate her as best we can with soft food that she can handle herself.

She no longer falls asleep in our arms {sniffle, sniffle}.  I have to say that I think this one is the hardest.  We don't plan on having anymore kids, so I was hoping that the baby part would last a little bit longer.  But, no. :(  On the other hand, she is a really GREAT snuggler.  She loves to bury her head in your shoulder and squeeze tight... gets me every time.

I think she is growing and doing so quickly because she wants to keep up with her big sister, whom she adores.  And I will say that I look forward to the day (probably soon) that Gwen and Addie are walking hand in hand, side by side.  I am not, however, looking forward to the day that they form their sister alliance and gang up on mom, lol.  I know that one is inevitable.

I know that it's said the second child grows even faster than the first, but I feel like I have blinked and 10 months has gone by.  Just thinking that she will be turning one in two months blows my mind.  I am pretty sure I'll be a mess. 

Addie Kay, please stay little forever.

4 Years.

My Sweet Gwenyth Cynthia,

Four years ago, you came into the world and changed so many lives.  Four years ago, you gave your Daddy and I the GREATEST gift we could ever have been given.  You let us be your parents.

You are growing too fast, baby girl.  You're smarter than we can keep up with.  You have a heart of gold.  You radiate unconditional love. Your laugh is infectious.  Your smile melts hearts.  You are, and will always be, our baby girl.

I told you last night, that I was so sad that you were growing up, and without skipping a beat, you told me not to be sad, "be happy, I'm a big girl."  And you're right.  I will be happy.  Because, I could not be prouder to be your mom.  You have taught me so much about life, and made me realize what I was put on this Earth to do.

You are such an amazing little girl.  You mean so much to us.  You are the best big sister to your Addiecakes,  No one makes her laugh and smile like you do.  You are a bright ray of sunshine.

 

We love you more than we could ever put into words.  We love you, through and through...

Happy 4th Birthday to the coolest, silliest, sweetest, most beautiful girl in the whole world... our Gwen-bo-ben.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy & Addie Kay

Remembering.

I used to think that when people said they knew exactly where the were the moment JFK was shot, or a war began, etc., that there was NO WAY they knew EXACTLY every detail.  I thought, "not possible."  Until September 11, 2001.

I was 17.  I was a senior in Mr. Andrews' Marketing class.  It was the strangest, eeriest, most confusing day, to say the least.  I remember being in denial that it could possibly be "on purpose," or a terrorist attack.  Then, feeling violated.  "What was happening?!"  Even if it wasn't being said, there was panic throughout the halls.  Quiet panic.

I remember calling out of work and going to home to an empty house while my mom was still at work for a little while.  I had been home alone plenty of times.  But, this was different.  I didn't want to be alone.  I couldn't grasp what I was seeing. What was happening.  I remember worrying, "Is it over yet?!"  I lived in a town with a power plant, "Was that next?!"  It was the most unsafe I (as well as many others) have ever felt, to this day.

The world changed that day.  At 17, I became a lot less naive about the world that I lived in.  A lot more skeptical.  A bit less carefree.  I'm sure we all did.

I didn't lose any family or friends, but I did feel loss.  And with each year, I feel more and more emotional about it.  I see the children who were young, sometimes even infants or yet to be born when their loved ones were taken, and I, now a mom, cry at the thought that they don't know their moms or dads.  Or I see the husbands and wives who's "happily ever after" was cut short and I, now a wife, feel their heartache.

It's so strange because with each year, I feel more affected by the loss of innocence.  This year especially.

My Uncle, Tom, is a fireman for the NYFD.  He was not my uncle at the time, but is now, and I am always in awe of his bravery, and how humble he is while doing it.  He responded to Ground Zero that day and spent many months helping in the recovery.  I've heard him tell stories of that day, of the brothers he lost, and how apocalyptic it was.

I don't think I could put into words how much I admire him.  He's a great guy and our family is lucky to have him as a part of ours.

He gave Hubs and I the most amazing opportunity this summer.  When the 9/11 Museum opened, they first opened it up to all of the first responders, their families, and residents of the area, and he let us go with him.

To say that it was emotional is the understatements of all understatements.  It was like it had happened the day before. It was tragic, yet beautiful.  Hubs and I sort of felt like outsiders because we knew that everyone we were walking around with were there.  These were THEIR memories, they LIVED right in it.  We would be walking around looking at pictures and hear people (including my uncle) say, "Oh look, there's _____" It was surreal.  Things like wallets and eyeglasses, and bikes. Broadcasts from the moment it was happening... one minute they were talking about who's dating who in the celebrity world, and the next we were under attack.  Voice mails to and from loved ones... the last ever exchanged.  The dispatch calls, calling pretty much every possible unit who wasn't already there.  It was unbelievable.

We were there for a few hours, yet I am sure that we could have spent even more.

I am so thankful for that experience, and one day, when they are old enough to comprehend it, I will walk with my girls through the museum and tell my "I remember" story.  And show them that among all of this chaos, we, as a nation, as human beings, persevered.  That good will always win over evil.

I will Never Forget  that day.  Thank you to all the men and women who serve our country, the people who put their lives on the line for the safety of others.  You are heroes that walk among us.

Mom Guilt

It's been just about four years since I've "worked".  I know, I know, I DO work, but I mean, leave the house, commute, collect a paycheck-kind of work.  I feel extremely blessed to spend every day with my kiddos, but that doesn't mean that I haven't dealt with "Mom Guilt".

The most ridiculous thing is that the only one who guilts me... is me. Dumb, but true.

Hubs is super supportive in so many ways about me being a SAHM.  I mean, we do have the occasional "You think I have a party every day at work" "No, but you do shit by yourself, right?" argument, but he is the first one to accept cooking dinner because I seem fried {or just because}, the first one to say "Go. Just go." when the day is long and I am not asking for a break.  He's truly great. He prefers that I am home with them... just as much as me.

It's me who, once I finally step foot outside of the house without a diaper bag or kids, feels like "I should be with them." Or "I shouldn't be this tired or stressed out." It's me who "reprimands" myself for not being more patient, or creative, or whatever other critique I can put on myself.

I also find myself cringing sometimes when answering the question, "What do you do?"  "Oh, I'm just a stay-at-home mom."  Like, wtf, Sam?!  What I do is important.  And just because I don't bring home a paycheck, I am saving my family money by being the childcare.  So WHY do I do that??? What I do is just as important as anyone else, and I should be proud of it.

It's such a strange thing, Mom guilt.  It makes me question myself more than I ever could have imagined. I am lucky enough to have these beautiful little reminders that I am doing something right, something that matters, that I am doing a good "job"...

Friday Five.

ONE.
Addie Kay is 8 months old {Hold me.} and a crawling MACHINE.  She gets p-i-s-s-e-d when "contained" in a playpen and such.  Like YELLS.  She wants her freedom, dammit.  Girlfriend is also standing on her own. Not for super long amounts of time, but still.  I think there's a good possibility that I could have a walker before 10 months... Lord help me.

TWO.
Momma is counting down the days until Pumpkin coffee arrives at DD {Sept. 1st}.  I am looking forward to fall, and football and all things pumpkin.  I may have already had an Octoberfest already... and may or may not be drinking one now.  I am pumpkin/fall READY.  I have loved this summer and will be sad to see it go, but nothing compares to Fall.  Nothing.

THREE.
ALS Ice Bucket Challenge "Haters."  You're dumb.  Yeah, yeah, you're charitable every day.  And dumping water over our heads isn't doing anything for ALS.  Shut. The. Front. Door.  We're all talking about ALS, no?? More people than probably ever are donating to the cause.  But, you still need to be Debbie Downer, right?? Again.  You're dumb.  You're those people that need to complain/argue about everything. Chill out.  Actually, dump a bucket of ice water on your head... it'll help.

FOUR.
Oh, four.  Miss Gwen will be four in a few weeks.  And although she makes me want to drink wine with breakfast lose my mind on the reg, she's a really smart and funny and {of course} beautiful little lady.  She loves life and has a huge heart, just like her Daddy.  She's also a human MAP.  Seriously.  When I tell her where we are going, she immediately tells me which direction I need to be going.  My brother was just like that, so she must get it from him.  I could cry that she isn't my little baby anymore, but love the new adventures we have each day.

FIVE.
The five day "fluke."  Last Thursday, was Gwen's first "dry" night without a Pull-Up.  The she went the rest of our long weekend the same way, even while away from home.  Then, when we got home she had another accident... and every night since then.  Tonight I am putting a Pull-Up back on her, because honestly, I can't handle another night of crying and her ending up in our bed.  Any tips for training through the night??

Hope you have a great weekend!

Accepting This Me

For the past two years, summers mostly, I've struggled with Eczema and skin infections, to the point where I felt TRAPPED in my skin.  In my own body.  Sun hurt, water hurt, I was itching constantly (even though I knew it was making the situation worse), and was completely miserable. I didn't want to get dressed in the morning.  I didn't want to go anywhere.  I wanted to cover every inch of me so no one could see.

I was also struggling my body image, not last summer while I was pregnant, but even more so after having Addie.  I was a wreck. I spent countless hours at the dermatologist, who didn't seem to have any answers for me... I later learned she was a waste of my time (2+ years).

The skin thing would "peak" in the spring and summer, and then would subside (for the most part) in the fall and winter.  But as soon as May, and heat, and humidity came back, so did the problem.

I had had enough.

I needed to take back control.

Right around mid-May, I consulted with my Aunt, who is a Holistic Health Coach, and she helped me find a path that was going to better my life.  She gave me that BOOST that I needed. I knew that by changing what I was putting into my body, my body AND skin would benefit.  And it really has.

I did, however, had to realize a few things before I started...

I didn't get HERE in a day, so I won't be getting THERE in a day.  My body and skin didn't get this way overnight.  I had to see that it took a long time to get to this unhappy place, so it may take some time so get back.  I am a VERY visual person, so the scale (although not what I judge success on) has been my friend.  Even if it wasn't going down, it was encouraging to not see it going up.

Everything takes two weeks.  My Aunt shared this with me, and I am so grateful that she did, because in that first two weeks, there were so many times when I wanted to say, "Fck it, I quit."  But, I didn't.  And after those two weeks, this "change" I made, was just my new normal.  We train ourselves to eat badly, so we have to train ourselves back.

I have to be doing this for just me.  Listen, I am BEYOND lucky that I have a husband that loves me unconditionally.  He tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am, but when I don't feel beautiful, it doesn't matter what he says.  I needed to be doing this to make ME happy.... and I mean, let's be serious, when Momma's happy, everyone benefits.

This is a different body than I've had before.  This body of mine, has grown TWO humans dammit.  It's expanded, contracted, widened, and many other things.  I need to be proud of that.  Of this body, no matter what it's shape.  I will never be 23 year old Sam again, and that's ok.

So I changed my eating habits.  For the most part, I took out wheat and dairy.  Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a little blue cheese in my salad here and there, but my go to breakfast is no longer a bagel with a ridiculous amount of cream cheese (although that still is very tempting).  I have been filling my diet with tons of veggies and fruits and protein.  I'm not eating anything that is "boxed or bagged" because processed food pretty much sucks for you.  I'm eating to fuel my body and not just to eat.  And drinking a lot of water.

It's taken thus far, but my skin has been it's clearest in two years AND I am down about 25 lbs!!!!!

I. feel. free.

I am happy with me.  This me.  It IS about the skin and not so much the weight (but it's a pretty great freakin' bonus).  I don't feel trapped by my eating decisions or choices.  I don't feel stuck inside this unfamiliar body.  I feel when I made good eating choices, and feel it even more when I don't.

My happiness has affected my family.  Me being happy, leads to me being more pleasant, a bit more confident, and a lot less cranky (unless my 3 year old is throwing a tantrum).  And each relationship is our house is better for it.

I could not be more thankful to my Aunt for giving me the guidance and strength and ideas to push through with this.  She KNOWS her stuff.  And is so right about our body being about balance and how we need to listen to our body.  If you are having any health issues, or concerns and want to talk to her, you can contact Deb Lyons here.

It feels good to be happy!