This Can't Be Happening.

{SO, I wrote this post a while ago, and didn't get around to finishing it.  I reopened it this morning, and was kind of sad I didn't post it.  I've added on my feelings now that we are a few months into it.}

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Written Septemeber 3, 2015

I wrote the title of this blog post three days ago.  Then, I bawled like a baby and had to shut the computer down.  In less than a week, my first born, sweet little Gwen is starting Kindergarten.

Deep breath.

Let me first say that I am SO excited for her.  Excited for all she will learn.  For all the friendships she will make.  For all of the fun she is about to have.

But, I am so sad.

"Our" time is over.  I know, I know, it's not OVER.  But, she won't be here, WITH ME, all day every day anymore.  And for the past 5 years... that is all that I, we, have known.  And don't get me wrong, there are days that I could lose my mind, but I have loved every. single. second.  of it.

I feel like I have literally blinked and BAM she's going into Kindergarten.

Weren't we just starting solid foods?!  Rolling over?! Walking?!

Where did it all go??

My heart aches a little bit.  Shit, a lot.  UGH!!

I recently was at my nephew's birthday party and walked into a room and a conversation and overheard a woman saying, "I'm just obsessed with being a mom." And at first, I was like, "Wow, that's intense."  But the more and more I think about it, I am obsessed with being a mom to Gwen and Addie.  Gwen made me a mom.  She and Addie are the greatest gifts I have ever been given.  And oddly, I wish I had a little more time before she started school.

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Written today, November 12, 2015

Taking Gwen to school that first day, she did great.  We did too, until I got into the car alone (with Addie) on the way home.  Our Frozen CD was playing, and I just LOST it.  Like, couldn't control it, ugly cry.  I was SO sad that she wasn't in the car with me singing "Let It Go" for the umpteenth millionth time.  That she wasn't going to run our normal errands with us.  I was a mess.

The next few days, I did ok, but then it happened again.  I couldn't control it.  I called my husband and laughed, "WHY is this still happening!?!?"  I thought I was over this.  But, I wasn't yet.  Maybe it was because she was turning five that week, or that she had her first loose tooth, who knows.  It just seems like so much of the "baby" in her was being taken away all at once.

She did great going into school, but you could see little changes in her those first few weeks that let me know I wasn't the only one who was feeling it.

For example:

One of the first few days, I went to the store and bought her a garbage can for her room.  A FROZEN garbage can.  I'm thinking she is going to LOVE it, and be so happy I got her something while she was in school.  She'd be all smiles and I get a BEST MOM EVER hug.

Not the case.

I left it in her room for her to see when she came home, thinking things are always better when a surprise... I was wrong.  She came out of the room HYSTERICAL.  She was so upset that it was there, but had no real reason for the tears.  I told her I would get rid of it then, to which she cried even harder.

So, let me get this straight.  You don't want it, but you don't want me to throw it out either?!?  Well, THAT plan backfired.  She was up until 10-10:30pm crying and trying to work it out.  All of this over a GARBAGE CAN.

And then I figured it out...

She wasn't upset THAT I bought it.  She was upset that I didn't buy it with her.  I don't think that she had thought about or realized that Addie and I would still be doing things (things that she had done with us) while she was in school.  She was upset that she wasn't a part of it.

In the morning, she told me that she wanted to keep the garbage can, and I told her that she didn't have to, unless she wanted to.  And I reminded her that her and I will still have plenty of time to go out together and shop or run errands or go to the park.  I think that helped.

We are into Kindergarten a little over a month now, and I am happy to report that we are all surviving.  Seriously though, it has gotten easier, and we have fallen into quite a nice routine.  Does that mean that I don't miss her like crazy??  No.  Does it mean that there aren't some days I wish that I could send her back to school?? No.  It seems we have found a happy middle ground for the most part.

What do I miss?

I miss knowing every detail of her day.  Getting daily details from a 5 year old is like playing a game of Clue.  You get a little bit here, a little there, and then it's up to you to put it all together.  Or hours, sometimes days later, she pops up with this random piece of info from a question you asked last Tuesday.

I miss actually conversing with someone who can form a whole sentence all day.  Of course, I am loving my time with Addie Kay, but Gwen and I were at a point where we were having "real" conversations.  Yes, those conversations were about Disney, dress up, what theme her next birthday (and birthday after that) would be, etc., but they were some funny and entertaining convos.  Now, I am back in the land of diciphering screams, points, and half correct words... which on some days can be exhausting in itself.

I miss her.  I just do.

But, I am beaming with pride because of how well she is doing.  She seems smarter (and older) by the day.  It's safe to say that her being in school makes me appreciate and treasure the time that she is here with me.  And, it is making me value this time with Addie Kay even more.  I could start to cry again, just thinking that this will be Addie in a few years.  Ugh. I can't.

Only 12 days until Thanksgiving break.  And only 40 until Christmas Break.
Not that I'm counting, though.

Fear Of Flying.

Hey there.  Me, again.  I'd like to say that I will be posting more or trying to, but even though those are my intentions... I can promise anything.  So, maybe we just don't talk about that.  

Easter was great.  And exhausting.  I must admit that the "Easter Bunny" has a really hard time stopping themself from filling and filling and filling the basket.  There's just too many fun things to add in... so deal.  

I know that some people believe that Easter should not be about "gifts," but I would much rather gifts than candy.  We also played the "donate your candy/get to buy a small toy" card this year.  Gwen and I sorted through her candy and selected a bunch that she "donated" {I don't even know where I came up with donate, but it worked... I'll probably need a more in depth explanation next year} and she then was able to get a small figurine set.  Problem solved.

Next up, only 6 more days until we go to Disney World!! Gwen is filled with excitement and tells (and invites) every one she sees.  I will most likely be balling my eyes out the entire trip, just seeing how happy she is and how magical everything is to her.  Cannot wait.

Back to the matter at hand, I actually don't have a fear of flying.  I have a fear of flying... with Addie Kay.  Girlfriend DOES NOT like being "restrained" - be it carseat, stroller, baby carrier... she wants no part of it.  She wants FREEEEEEEDOM.  And that is not something that is usually found on an airplane.  So, I am a little nervous.

I mean, I am packing all the essentials: snacks, toys, iPad, etc.  But, I feel like I am going to have to buy the plane a round of drinks before we even take off.  Thankfully it's only a 2 1/2 hour flight, and not a 2 day drive (could not imagine), but there is the potential that it will be the longest hours of our lives.

I've even paid for preselected seats.  As far in the front as possible so that we will be the last ones on and the first ones off.  And you better believe that I will be waiting to the last possible moment to board.  If you could, maybe say a Hail Mary or two that we have a safe and smooth flight, and no turbelence either. Hehe.

Any tips for me??? Please remember that Addie is only 16 months old, and bargaining is really out of the question. But, I am open and grateful for all suggestions!

Ma'am. And Other Sh*t That Happens After 30.

Ma'am.  It hurts every time.  When did I become Ma'am??  I  don't think I look like a "Ma'am" just yet.  But, it seems like I am wearing a badge that says "I'm 30, just call me Ma'am."  It's painful.  I get that it is respectful, but c'mon now... can't I still pass for a "Ms." just for a little while longer?!

You know what else happened at 30??  I can't see for shit.  True story.  I've worn glasses/contacts since I was in the third grade, but for the past 5 years, my eyes have stayed the same  prescription. Then, BAM... I'm 30... and my prescription increases.  Really???  Not only that, but I've become someone who needs my phone flashlight to read things in dim places.  You know, moving your body and the menu around to get some good light, kind of person.  Like, who are you, Sam?? 

Guess who also showed up to the party at 30??  Gray hair, baby.  Yup.  Gwen was actually brushing my hair one night and said, "Mom, what's this white stuff in your hair??"  I am pretty sure I texted my bff for a hair makeover that night.  Maybe, I'll just blame the grays on my children and not my age... I can do that, right?

Ok, so maybe this isn't so much a "happens after 30," as much as it is a "happens after you become a parent" but, staying up late is any time after 10pm.  11pm on weekends.  The other night both of my kids and the dog all decided that 2am was an awesome time to get up and party.  Dog had to go out, Addie was wet, and Gwen couldn't sleep.  It literally was an hour and a half of craziness.  And all I could think was, "Remember when we would still be out at 2am, or just coming home. I certainly can't hang at 2am anymore."

30 isn't all bad, there are some good parts about it, too.

You don't get carded.  Now, some see this as a bad thing too, but it's actually nice not to have to stop and pull out your ID to prove that you are of age.

You care a lot less about what other people think. You just know better than to care about other's opinions.

You recognize that quality is better than quantity.  In everything.  Friends. Material things. Even things like food.  Quality always wins.

 I actually am loving 30.  I am in the healthiest/best shape I have been since probably before I had Gwen and I am happy.  And I'll always be younger than the Hubs ;)

Happy...

Happy...

New Year!

Hey there! It's been a while since we've been here, huh?  Sorry about that.  Life is pretty busy... and I have to admit that I haven't made this a priority.  Forgive?   Thanks.   Anyway.... Happy 2015!!  Hope you had an amazing holiday season and are enjoying a great start to the New Year!  Christmas was amazing this year... Gwen made is so super enjoyable.  We celebrated so many days with so many different parts of our family, that Gwen literally needed a Christmas detox after our last celebration (Jan 11th).  We stayed home just our little family for NYE, but not without a stop to our favorite restaurant for an early dinner.  An early dinner that Addie Kay was NOT having and threw the biggest meltdown the minute we sat down... forcing Daddy and her to the car, while I sat with Gwen for a little dinner.  Yeah, we won't be attempting that again any time soon.  Gwen made it to about 10pm, then actually ASKED if she could go to bed.  Why yes, yes you can.  Then Hubs and I barely stayed awake for the ball drop.  Seriously, how old am I?!  But the New Year is off to a pretty good start.  Lots of time at home, and hanging with the girls.  Hoping 2015 is a big year for us!

...birthday, Addie Kay.

Poor second child, Addie Kay's birthday came and went without a blog post.  Doesn't mean I don't love you, baby.  December is a crazy month, then throw in a birthday party and I was totally thrown for a loop.  We had a small party here at the house, which Gwen proceeded to get hurt and have to take a quick trip to the ER and back all before cake time.  Ugh.  She is fine, but it was a very busy day.  Addie Kay is running, babbling, teething, and trying every day to be a big girl like her sister.  She has grown so much faster than I ever expected, and it is so bittersweet, because I want her to stay little forever.

...Groundhog Day.
Yeah, thanks Phil... 6 more weeks of winter. Bleh.  We've already had a few rounds of snow (and ice), and I am already done.  I love how pretty it is first, then I'm good... you can go now.

...Gwensday.
Gwen still calls Wednesday, "Gwensday."  And I refuse to correct her just yet.  I just love the cuteness. I don't even think that people realize sometimes that she is saying it, because it is so subtle, but I do, and I adore it.  Anyway, Gwensday means that we are halfway through the week... thank goodness, and the weekend is upon us.

So, listen, I really am going to try to blog more often.  Really.  But, if not, don't hate me... m'kay?  This space of mine is in need of a serious revamping, and hopefully I can get to it little by little.  Thanks.

I Want A New Mommy.

Today was one of my worst days as a mom.  Those words - "I want a new mom" actually came out of my baby girl's mouth.  Over a waffle.  With butter.  And syrup.

Let me back up.

Gwen's eating habits kinda suck.  Her menu is small.  And she would rather me cut off an arm than try something new.  And it takes a RIDICULOUS amount of time. But, this is all my fault.  I've created this.  So, I've just always dealt with it.

Until recently.

I figured that since Gwen is four now and we can communicate a lot easier, that it was the perfect time to start correcting these "issues."

First up... nothing at the table but dinner.

No toys.  No iPad.  No distractions.  Just dinner.  I've been bad with this because when Gwen eats, it's usually just me with the girls here.  I am balancing Gwen's dinner, feeding Addie, and usually making our dinner all at the same time.  So, I am ashamed to say that having Gwen distracted a little while eating... helps me. {cringe}

So yesterday, I laid it down to her.  And she SCREAMED until she threw up.  I shit you not.  I put her to bed at 5pm because she was SO bad.  And I had LOST my cool.  I was SO thrown by the way she reacted.  When Hubs got home, I left.  I got in the car and freaked out.  I was so pissed at the way I handled things.  At how far they had gone {her not eating and being in bed by 5pm AND asleep because of all the crying}.  I prayed that this wouldn't be something she remembers when she grows up.  That she would forgive me in the morning.  And that I would find my patience to deal with it again today.  Because I know, that to change something takes at least two weeks.

She woke up thinking that it was a one time deal.  She loved me again.  But had thought she won the battle.  So I made her usual {as of late} waffles, with butter and syrup.  Put it on the empty table and said, "Ok, baby time for breakfast. Hop on up."

Her lip started to quiver.

"No, baby, you can do this.  Just eat and THEN we can play."

"My belly hurts."

"No it doesn't Gwen, you are just upset that you can't have what you want."

I then feed her a piece of waffle and instead of chewing she SCREAMS at the top  of her lungs.

This continues for longer then I care to remember.  Because all I can hear is her saying, "I want a new mommy."

Now, in the moment, it enraged me.  I knew what she was doing.  She was trying to do anything not to eat the waffle.  A waffle!!! Not like it was a fucking brussel sprout here.  So, I let it go.  But the morning got to the point where she was sent to her room because her screaming led to Addie crying which then led to a shitshow of a morning.  And once she got to her room... I lost it. 

She wants a new mom?!?

I'm that awful?!?

I couldn't contain the tears.

I felt like a failure.

After a few minutes she called me in, asking if she had school.  To which I replied, only if she ate some more.  We compromised.  She ate some more, but not it all.  And she ended up telling me that she didn't want me to go.  She didn't want a new mom.  But, you can't erase that from your mind.

The rest of the day we both treated each other so softly.  Reminding each other that we loved each other.  And dinner... well, it was a big step up from last night {and this morning}.  Tonight she said one more time before I left her room, "I'm sorry Mommy.  I don't want you to go."

I said back to her, "I'm never going anywhere, Gwen. I love you."

Parenting is some ride, man.  Some ride.  

I Don't Have A Baby...

Addie Kay is 10 months old (yesterday), and yes, I know that still makes "a baby," but this kid wants NO part of being a baby.  She is growing up way faster than I could have ever imagined!

She has been walking since a week before she turned 9 months.  AN 8 MONTH OLD WALKER! She basically skipped crawling and went straight to running.  She is miserable in a playpen, high chair, stroller, etc.  She wants to move, move, move.  It's soooo strange seeing this tiny little "doll" running around the house. And it also means that I never get a break... unless she's sleeping.  I do have to admit that I am so proud of her, and love watching her run into my arms.  The. cutest.

Addison also wants NO part of "baby" food.  None.  She sees that bowl and spoon and no matter how hungry, she tightens her lips together, turns her head to the side, and begins flailing her arms in every which way, which usually results in a baby food shower for us both.  She wants "big kid" food and wants to feed it to herself like a "big girl."  So, we have been trying to accommodate her as best we can with soft food that she can handle herself.

She no longer falls asleep in our arms {sniffle, sniffle}.  I have to say that I think this one is the hardest.  We don't plan on having anymore kids, so I was hoping that the baby part would last a little bit longer.  But, no. :(  On the other hand, she is a really GREAT snuggler.  She loves to bury her head in your shoulder and squeeze tight... gets me every time.

I think she is growing and doing so quickly because she wants to keep up with her big sister, whom she adores.  And I will say that I look forward to the day (probably soon) that Gwen and Addie are walking hand in hand, side by side.  I am not, however, looking forward to the day that they form their sister alliance and gang up on mom, lol.  I know that one is inevitable.

I know that it's said the second child grows even faster than the first, but I feel like I have blinked and 10 months has gone by.  Just thinking that she will be turning one in two months blows my mind.  I am pretty sure I'll be a mess. 

Addie Kay, please stay little forever.

4 Years.

My Sweet Gwenyth Cynthia,

Four years ago, you came into the world and changed so many lives.  Four years ago, you gave your Daddy and I the GREATEST gift we could ever have been given.  You let us be your parents.

You are growing too fast, baby girl.  You're smarter than we can keep up with.  You have a heart of gold.  You radiate unconditional love. Your laugh is infectious.  Your smile melts hearts.  You are, and will always be, our baby girl.

I told you last night, that I was so sad that you were growing up, and without skipping a beat, you told me not to be sad, "be happy, I'm a big girl."  And you're right.  I will be happy.  Because, I could not be prouder to be your mom.  You have taught me so much about life, and made me realize what I was put on this Earth to do.

You are such an amazing little girl.  You mean so much to us.  You are the best big sister to your Addiecakes,  No one makes her laugh and smile like you do.  You are a bright ray of sunshine.

 

We love you more than we could ever put into words.  We love you, through and through...

Happy 4th Birthday to the coolest, silliest, sweetest, most beautiful girl in the whole world... our Gwen-bo-ben.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy & Addie Kay