This Can't Be Happening.

{SO, I wrote this post a while ago, and didn't get around to finishing it.  I reopened it this morning, and was kind of sad I didn't post it.  I've added on my feelings now that we are a few months into it.}

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Written Septemeber 3, 2015

I wrote the title of this blog post three days ago.  Then, I bawled like a baby and had to shut the computer down.  In less than a week, my first born, sweet little Gwen is starting Kindergarten.

Deep breath.

Let me first say that I am SO excited for her.  Excited for all she will learn.  For all the friendships she will make.  For all of the fun she is about to have.

But, I am so sad.

"Our" time is over.  I know, I know, it's not OVER.  But, she won't be here, WITH ME, all day every day anymore.  And for the past 5 years... that is all that I, we, have known.  And don't get me wrong, there are days that I could lose my mind, but I have loved every. single. second.  of it.

I feel like I have literally blinked and BAM she's going into Kindergarten.

Weren't we just starting solid foods?!  Rolling over?! Walking?!

Where did it all go??

My heart aches a little bit.  Shit, a lot.  UGH!!

I recently was at my nephew's birthday party and walked into a room and a conversation and overheard a woman saying, "I'm just obsessed with being a mom." And at first, I was like, "Wow, that's intense."  But the more and more I think about it, I am obsessed with being a mom to Gwen and Addie.  Gwen made me a mom.  She and Addie are the greatest gifts I have ever been given.  And oddly, I wish I had a little more time before she started school.

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Written today, November 12, 2015

Taking Gwen to school that first day, she did great.  We did too, until I got into the car alone (with Addie) on the way home.  Our Frozen CD was playing, and I just LOST it.  Like, couldn't control it, ugly cry.  I was SO sad that she wasn't in the car with me singing "Let It Go" for the umpteenth millionth time.  That she wasn't going to run our normal errands with us.  I was a mess.

The next few days, I did ok, but then it happened again.  I couldn't control it.  I called my husband and laughed, "WHY is this still happening!?!?"  I thought I was over this.  But, I wasn't yet.  Maybe it was because she was turning five that week, or that she had her first loose tooth, who knows.  It just seems like so much of the "baby" in her was being taken away all at once.

She did great going into school, but you could see little changes in her those first few weeks that let me know I wasn't the only one who was feeling it.

For example:

One of the first few days, I went to the store and bought her a garbage can for her room.  A FROZEN garbage can.  I'm thinking she is going to LOVE it, and be so happy I got her something while she was in school.  She'd be all smiles and I get a BEST MOM EVER hug.

Not the case.

I left it in her room for her to see when she came home, thinking things are always better when a surprise... I was wrong.  She came out of the room HYSTERICAL.  She was so upset that it was there, but had no real reason for the tears.  I told her I would get rid of it then, to which she cried even harder.

So, let me get this straight.  You don't want it, but you don't want me to throw it out either?!?  Well, THAT plan backfired.  She was up until 10-10:30pm crying and trying to work it out.  All of this over a GARBAGE CAN.

And then I figured it out...

She wasn't upset THAT I bought it.  She was upset that I didn't buy it with her.  I don't think that she had thought about or realized that Addie and I would still be doing things (things that she had done with us) while she was in school.  She was upset that she wasn't a part of it.

In the morning, she told me that she wanted to keep the garbage can, and I told her that she didn't have to, unless she wanted to.  And I reminded her that her and I will still have plenty of time to go out together and shop or run errands or go to the park.  I think that helped.

We are into Kindergarten a little over a month now, and I am happy to report that we are all surviving.  Seriously though, it has gotten easier, and we have fallen into quite a nice routine.  Does that mean that I don't miss her like crazy??  No.  Does it mean that there aren't some days I wish that I could send her back to school?? No.  It seems we have found a happy middle ground for the most part.

What do I miss?

I miss knowing every detail of her day.  Getting daily details from a 5 year old is like playing a game of Clue.  You get a little bit here, a little there, and then it's up to you to put it all together.  Or hours, sometimes days later, she pops up with this random piece of info from a question you asked last Tuesday.

I miss actually conversing with someone who can form a whole sentence all day.  Of course, I am loving my time with Addie Kay, but Gwen and I were at a point where we were having "real" conversations.  Yes, those conversations were about Disney, dress up, what theme her next birthday (and birthday after that) would be, etc., but they were some funny and entertaining convos.  Now, I am back in the land of diciphering screams, points, and half correct words... which on some days can be exhausting in itself.

I miss her.  I just do.

But, I am beaming with pride because of how well she is doing.  She seems smarter (and older) by the day.  It's safe to say that her being in school makes me appreciate and treasure the time that she is here with me.  And, it is making me value this time with Addie Kay even more.  I could start to cry again, just thinking that this will be Addie in a few years.  Ugh. I can't.

Only 12 days until Thanksgiving break.  And only 40 until Christmas Break.
Not that I'm counting, though.

Fear Of Flying.

Hey there.  Me, again.  I'd like to say that I will be posting more or trying to, but even though those are my intentions... I can promise anything.  So, maybe we just don't talk about that.  

Easter was great.  And exhausting.  I must admit that the "Easter Bunny" has a really hard time stopping themself from filling and filling and filling the basket.  There's just too many fun things to add in... so deal.  

I know that some people believe that Easter should not be about "gifts," but I would much rather gifts than candy.  We also played the "donate your candy/get to buy a small toy" card this year.  Gwen and I sorted through her candy and selected a bunch that she "donated" {I don't even know where I came up with donate, but it worked... I'll probably need a more in depth explanation next year} and she then was able to get a small figurine set.  Problem solved.

Next up, only 6 more days until we go to Disney World!! Gwen is filled with excitement and tells (and invites) every one she sees.  I will most likely be balling my eyes out the entire trip, just seeing how happy she is and how magical everything is to her.  Cannot wait.

Back to the matter at hand, I actually don't have a fear of flying.  I have a fear of flying... with Addie Kay.  Girlfriend DOES NOT like being "restrained" - be it carseat, stroller, baby carrier... she wants no part of it.  She wants FREEEEEEEDOM.  And that is not something that is usually found on an airplane.  So, I am a little nervous.

I mean, I am packing all the essentials: snacks, toys, iPad, etc.  But, I feel like I am going to have to buy the plane a round of drinks before we even take off.  Thankfully it's only a 2 1/2 hour flight, and not a 2 day drive (could not imagine), but there is the potential that it will be the longest hours of our lives.

I've even paid for preselected seats.  As far in the front as possible so that we will be the last ones on and the first ones off.  And you better believe that I will be waiting to the last possible moment to board.  If you could, maybe say a Hail Mary or two that we have a safe and smooth flight, and no turbelence either. Hehe.

Any tips for me??? Please remember that Addie is only 16 months old, and bargaining is really out of the question. But, I am open and grateful for all suggestions!

Ma'am. And Other Sh*t That Happens After 30.

Ma'am.  It hurts every time.  When did I become Ma'am??  I  don't think I look like a "Ma'am" just yet.  But, it seems like I am wearing a badge that says "I'm 30, just call me Ma'am."  It's painful.  I get that it is respectful, but c'mon now... can't I still pass for a "Ms." just for a little while longer?!

You know what else happened at 30??  I can't see for shit.  True story.  I've worn glasses/contacts since I was in the third grade, but for the past 5 years, my eyes have stayed the same  prescription. Then, BAM... I'm 30... and my prescription increases.  Really???  Not only that, but I've become someone who needs my phone flashlight to read things in dim places.  You know, moving your body and the menu around to get some good light, kind of person.  Like, who are you, Sam?? 

Guess who also showed up to the party at 30??  Gray hair, baby.  Yup.  Gwen was actually brushing my hair one night and said, "Mom, what's this white stuff in your hair??"  I am pretty sure I texted my bff for a hair makeover that night.  Maybe, I'll just blame the grays on my children and not my age... I can do that, right?

Ok, so maybe this isn't so much a "happens after 30," as much as it is a "happens after you become a parent" but, staying up late is any time after 10pm.  11pm on weekends.  The other night both of my kids and the dog all decided that 2am was an awesome time to get up and party.  Dog had to go out, Addie was wet, and Gwen couldn't sleep.  It literally was an hour and a half of craziness.  And all I could think was, "Remember when we would still be out at 2am, or just coming home. I certainly can't hang at 2am anymore."

30 isn't all bad, there are some good parts about it, too.

You don't get carded.  Now, some see this as a bad thing too, but it's actually nice not to have to stop and pull out your ID to prove that you are of age.

You care a lot less about what other people think. You just know better than to care about other's opinions.

You recognize that quality is better than quantity.  In everything.  Friends. Material things. Even things like food.  Quality always wins.

 I actually am loving 30.  I am in the healthiest/best shape I have been since probably before I had Gwen and I am happy.  And I'll always be younger than the Hubs ;)

Happy...

Happy...

New Year!

Hey there! It's been a while since we've been here, huh?  Sorry about that.  Life is pretty busy... and I have to admit that I haven't made this a priority.  Forgive?   Thanks.   Anyway.... Happy 2015!!  Hope you had an amazing holiday season and are enjoying a great start to the New Year!  Christmas was amazing this year... Gwen made is so super enjoyable.  We celebrated so many days with so many different parts of our family, that Gwen literally needed a Christmas detox after our last celebration (Jan 11th).  We stayed home just our little family for NYE, but not without a stop to our favorite restaurant for an early dinner.  An early dinner that Addie Kay was NOT having and threw the biggest meltdown the minute we sat down... forcing Daddy and her to the car, while I sat with Gwen for a little dinner.  Yeah, we won't be attempting that again any time soon.  Gwen made it to about 10pm, then actually ASKED if she could go to bed.  Why yes, yes you can.  Then Hubs and I barely stayed awake for the ball drop.  Seriously, how old am I?!  But the New Year is off to a pretty good start.  Lots of time at home, and hanging with the girls.  Hoping 2015 is a big year for us!

...birthday, Addie Kay.

Poor second child, Addie Kay's birthday came and went without a blog post.  Doesn't mean I don't love you, baby.  December is a crazy month, then throw in a birthday party and I was totally thrown for a loop.  We had a small party here at the house, which Gwen proceeded to get hurt and have to take a quick trip to the ER and back all before cake time.  Ugh.  She is fine, but it was a very busy day.  Addie Kay is running, babbling, teething, and trying every day to be a big girl like her sister.  She has grown so much faster than I ever expected, and it is so bittersweet, because I want her to stay little forever.

...Groundhog Day.
Yeah, thanks Phil... 6 more weeks of winter. Bleh.  We've already had a few rounds of snow (and ice), and I am already done.  I love how pretty it is first, then I'm good... you can go now.

...Gwensday.
Gwen still calls Wednesday, "Gwensday."  And I refuse to correct her just yet.  I just love the cuteness. I don't even think that people realize sometimes that she is saying it, because it is so subtle, but I do, and I adore it.  Anyway, Gwensday means that we are halfway through the week... thank goodness, and the weekend is upon us.

So, listen, I really am going to try to blog more often.  Really.  But, if not, don't hate me... m'kay?  This space of mine is in need of a serious revamping, and hopefully I can get to it little by little.  Thanks.