Ma'am. And Other Sh*t That Happens After 30.

Ma'am.  It hurts every time.  When did I become Ma'am??  I  don't think I look like a "Ma'am" just yet.  But, it seems like I am wearing a badge that says "I'm 30, just call me Ma'am."  It's painful.  I get that it is respectful, but c'mon now... can't I still pass for a "Ms." just for a little while longer?!

You know what else happened at 30??  I can't see for shit.  True story.  I've worn glasses/contacts since I was in the third grade, but for the past 5 years, my eyes have stayed the same  prescription. Then, BAM... I'm 30... and my prescription increases.  Really???  Not only that, but I've become someone who needs my phone flashlight to read things in dim places.  You know, moving your body and the menu around to get some good light, kind of person.  Like, who are you, Sam?? 

Guess who also showed up to the party at 30??  Gray hair, baby.  Yup.  Gwen was actually brushing my hair one night and said, "Mom, what's this white stuff in your hair??"  I am pretty sure I texted my bff for a hair makeover that night.  Maybe, I'll just blame the grays on my children and not my age... I can do that, right?

Ok, so maybe this isn't so much a "happens after 30," as much as it is a "happens after you become a parent" but, staying up late is any time after 10pm.  11pm on weekends.  The other night both of my kids and the dog all decided that 2am was an awesome time to get up and party.  Dog had to go out, Addie was wet, and Gwen couldn't sleep.  It literally was an hour and a half of craziness.  And all I could think was, "Remember when we would still be out at 2am, or just coming home. I certainly can't hang at 2am anymore."

30 isn't all bad, there are some good parts about it, too.

You don't get carded.  Now, some see this as a bad thing too, but it's actually nice not to have to stop and pull out your ID to prove that you are of age.

You care a lot less about what other people think. You just know better than to care about other's opinions.

You recognize that quality is better than quantity.  In everything.  Friends. Material things. Even things like food.  Quality always wins.

 I actually am loving 30.  I am in the healthiest/best shape I have been since probably before I had Gwen and I am happy.  And I'll always be younger than the Hubs ;)

I Want A New Mommy.

Today was one of my worst days as a mom.  Those words - "I want a new mom" actually came out of my baby girl's mouth.  Over a waffle.  With butter.  And syrup.

Let me back up.

Gwen's eating habits kinda suck.  Her menu is small.  And she would rather me cut off an arm than try something new.  And it takes a RIDICULOUS amount of time. But, this is all my fault.  I've created this.  So, I've just always dealt with it.

Until recently.

I figured that since Gwen is four now and we can communicate a lot easier, that it was the perfect time to start correcting these "issues."

First up... nothing at the table but dinner.

No toys.  No iPad.  No distractions.  Just dinner.  I've been bad with this because when Gwen eats, it's usually just me with the girls here.  I am balancing Gwen's dinner, feeding Addie, and usually making our dinner all at the same time.  So, I am ashamed to say that having Gwen distracted a little while eating... helps me. {cringe}

So yesterday, I laid it down to her.  And she SCREAMED until she threw up.  I shit you not.  I put her to bed at 5pm because she was SO bad.  And I had LOST my cool.  I was SO thrown by the way she reacted.  When Hubs got home, I left.  I got in the car and freaked out.  I was so pissed at the way I handled things.  At how far they had gone {her not eating and being in bed by 5pm AND asleep because of all the crying}.  I prayed that this wouldn't be something she remembers when she grows up.  That she would forgive me in the morning.  And that I would find my patience to deal with it again today.  Because I know, that to change something takes at least two weeks.

She woke up thinking that it was a one time deal.  She loved me again.  But had thought she won the battle.  So I made her usual {as of late} waffles, with butter and syrup.  Put it on the empty table and said, "Ok, baby time for breakfast. Hop on up."

Her lip started to quiver.

"No, baby, you can do this.  Just eat and THEN we can play."

"My belly hurts."

"No it doesn't Gwen, you are just upset that you can't have what you want."

I then feed her a piece of waffle and instead of chewing she SCREAMS at the top  of her lungs.

This continues for longer then I care to remember.  Because all I can hear is her saying, "I want a new mommy."

Now, in the moment, it enraged me.  I knew what she was doing.  She was trying to do anything not to eat the waffle.  A waffle!!! Not like it was a fucking brussel sprout here.  So, I let it go.  But the morning got to the point where she was sent to her room because her screaming led to Addie crying which then led to a shitshow of a morning.  And once she got to her room... I lost it. 

She wants a new mom?!?

I'm that awful?!?

I couldn't contain the tears.

I felt like a failure.

After a few minutes she called me in, asking if she had school.  To which I replied, only if she ate some more.  We compromised.  She ate some more, but not it all.  And she ended up telling me that she didn't want me to go.  She didn't want a new mom.  But, you can't erase that from your mind.

The rest of the day we both treated each other so softly.  Reminding each other that we loved each other.  And dinner... well, it was a big step up from last night {and this morning}.  Tonight she said one more time before I left her room, "I'm sorry Mommy.  I don't want you to go."

I said back to her, "I'm never going anywhere, Gwen. I love you."

Parenting is some ride, man.  Some ride.  

4 Years.

My Sweet Gwenyth Cynthia,

Four years ago, you came into the world and changed so many lives.  Four years ago, you gave your Daddy and I the GREATEST gift we could ever have been given.  You let us be your parents.

You are growing too fast, baby girl.  You're smarter than we can keep up with.  You have a heart of gold.  You radiate unconditional love. Your laugh is infectious.  Your smile melts hearts.  You are, and will always be, our baby girl.

I told you last night, that I was so sad that you were growing up, and without skipping a beat, you told me not to be sad, "be happy, I'm a big girl."  And you're right.  I will be happy.  Because, I could not be prouder to be your mom.  You have taught me so much about life, and made me realize what I was put on this Earth to do.

You are such an amazing little girl.  You mean so much to us.  You are the best big sister to your Addiecakes,  No one makes her laugh and smile like you do.  You are a bright ray of sunshine.

 

We love you more than we could ever put into words.  We love you, through and through...

Happy 4th Birthday to the coolest, silliest, sweetest, most beautiful girl in the whole world... our Gwen-bo-ben.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy & Addie Kay

Pavlov's Dogs Live Here.

I'm not sure how it happened, or how they even know, but BOTH of our children seem to be trained by Pavlov.  They could be completely immersed in something else, Addison sleeping ever so soundly in her swing, Gwen watching an episode of her fav show, yet the SECOND we {Hubs and I} sit down to eat, they instinctively decide to go BUCK WILD... simultaneously.

My fork hasn't even reached my mouth and Addison is awake and crying for a change or she needs to eat as well.  Meanwhile, Gwen is barreling down the hall with every toy she can carry, ready to tear apart the living for the ump-teenth time.

They just know.

They know that Mom and Dad are about to have some normalcy, a moment of peace together and think, "Hahahaha, not on our watch!  We'll take care of THAT!"

Now, Gwen, we can sort of  distract, with a snack or a movie, but Addie is in need of us, so dinner in shifts it is... again.

We just laugh at this point, because no matter what time we plan dinner for, they are on to us.

But, that's being a parent right?!?!  Putting them before yourself.  And hey, we've got plenty of years to eat a meal together.

Good thing they're adorable.

Being In The Moment.

Although the past four weeks {btw I can't believe it has been four weeks already!} have been somewhat of a blur, I have been trying my hardest to stay within the moment.  Even when our toddler is tantruming crying because we put her dinner in the wrong bowl, while our newborn is wailing because she's hungry again, and as the dog is whining/barking to go outside for the fortieth time today... I am trying to just be present.  To not wish it away.  To soak it up.

Because they will never be this little again.  They are growing up by the minute.  Learning new things every second.  They depend on us less every day.  And once it's gone, we don't get it back.

So, I am really pushing myself.  Pushing myself to instead of seeing the nagging  of my toddler to do yet another puzzle, see the admiration  of my little girl that just wants to spend time with her Mommy.  To enjoy the fact that she still calls me "Momma" and with such innocence.  To really hear each and every "I love you"  and let it burn into my memory.

Pushing myself to instead of dreading the early 4am wake up call of my hungry/wet newborn, take the opportunity of my quiet house to sit and bond with her.  To soak up her little fingers and toes.  Her coos.  Her exploring eyes.  Her tight trusting grip on my finger.

Because tomorrow they will be older... not by much, but they will be.

It's not easy... to be in the moment.  Sure there are days that I am counting the seconds until bedtime.  That I need to get out of the house as soon as my husband gets home, even if just to the grocery store.  But, I have realized that one day I won't have these moments.  Yes, there will still be "moments" but they will be different, and I need to enjoy what I have now, while I have it.

We Have Kidsssss :: Our "Oh $hit!" Moments.

Sure.  We knew it was coming.  Obviously.  We knew that we were about to become a family of four.  BUT, that doesn't mean that we were prepared for those moments when it first hit us that we have children and not just a child.

Jason's happened first.

On the morning that Addie and I were supposed to come home there was a snowstorm that was about to hit our area.  My in-laws had a ride ahead of them to get home, so Jason and I decided that it would be best for him to get up early {he slept at the hospital with me} and pick up Gwen so they could head home before the snow, then he and Gwen would come to the hospital and pick us up.  

When he got back to the hospital he told me that he was pulling out of our driveway and as he looked in the rear view mirror he saw two car seats.  "Oh shit!" he said.  We have two kids.  We have kidssssss.  

"How funny?!" I thought to myself, laughing at his panic.

Then it happened to me.

A friend of mine and I were texting and as we were saying our goodbyes, she wrote, "K kiss the girls for me."

Girlsssss. She just said GIRLS.  Like more than one. "OH SHIT."  I'm responsible for more than one.  I'm a mom of two.  A stay-at-home  mom of two.  They out number me now... until Daddy gets home.

Of course we are on cloud nine, but that doesn't mean that we aren't allowed to have those "Oh shit" moments.  Because it can be quite an overwhelming thing, being someone's parent, let alone, more than one someone's parent.