Ma'am. And Other Sh*t That Happens After 30.

Ma'am.  It hurts every time.  When did I become Ma'am??  I  don't think I look like a "Ma'am" just yet.  But, it seems like I am wearing a badge that says "I'm 30, just call me Ma'am."  It's painful.  I get that it is respectful, but c'mon now... can't I still pass for a "Ms." just for a little while longer?!

You know what else happened at 30??  I can't see for shit.  True story.  I've worn glasses/contacts since I was in the third grade, but for the past 5 years, my eyes have stayed the same  prescription. Then, BAM... I'm 30... and my prescription increases.  Really???  Not only that, but I've become someone who needs my phone flashlight to read things in dim places.  You know, moving your body and the menu around to get some good light, kind of person.  Like, who are you, Sam?? 

Guess who also showed up to the party at 30??  Gray hair, baby.  Yup.  Gwen was actually brushing my hair one night and said, "Mom, what's this white stuff in your hair??"  I am pretty sure I texted my bff for a hair makeover that night.  Maybe, I'll just blame the grays on my children and not my age... I can do that, right?

Ok, so maybe this isn't so much a "happens after 30," as much as it is a "happens after you become a parent" but, staying up late is any time after 10pm.  11pm on weekends.  The other night both of my kids and the dog all decided that 2am was an awesome time to get up and party.  Dog had to go out, Addie was wet, and Gwen couldn't sleep.  It literally was an hour and a half of craziness.  And all I could think was, "Remember when we would still be out at 2am, or just coming home. I certainly can't hang at 2am anymore."

30 isn't all bad, there are some good parts about it, too.

You don't get carded.  Now, some see this as a bad thing too, but it's actually nice not to have to stop and pull out your ID to prove that you are of age.

You care a lot less about what other people think. You just know better than to care about other's opinions.

You recognize that quality is better than quantity.  In everything.  Friends. Material things. Even things like food.  Quality always wins.

 I actually am loving 30.  I am in the healthiest/best shape I have been since probably before I had Gwen and I am happy.  And I'll always be younger than the Hubs ;)

Happy...

Happy...

New Year!

Hey there! It's been a while since we've been here, huh?  Sorry about that.  Life is pretty busy... and I have to admit that I haven't made this a priority.  Forgive?   Thanks.   Anyway.... Happy 2015!!  Hope you had an amazing holiday season and are enjoying a great start to the New Year!  Christmas was amazing this year... Gwen made is so super enjoyable.  We celebrated so many days with so many different parts of our family, that Gwen literally needed a Christmas detox after our last celebration (Jan 11th).  We stayed home just our little family for NYE, but not without a stop to our favorite restaurant for an early dinner.  An early dinner that Addie Kay was NOT having and threw the biggest meltdown the minute we sat down... forcing Daddy and her to the car, while I sat with Gwen for a little dinner.  Yeah, we won't be attempting that again any time soon.  Gwen made it to about 10pm, then actually ASKED if she could go to bed.  Why yes, yes you can.  Then Hubs and I barely stayed awake for the ball drop.  Seriously, how old am I?!  But the New Year is off to a pretty good start.  Lots of time at home, and hanging with the girls.  Hoping 2015 is a big year for us!

...birthday, Addie Kay.

Poor second child, Addie Kay's birthday came and went without a blog post.  Doesn't mean I don't love you, baby.  December is a crazy month, then throw in a birthday party and I was totally thrown for a loop.  We had a small party here at the house, which Gwen proceeded to get hurt and have to take a quick trip to the ER and back all before cake time.  Ugh.  She is fine, but it was a very busy day.  Addie Kay is running, babbling, teething, and trying every day to be a big girl like her sister.  She has grown so much faster than I ever expected, and it is so bittersweet, because I want her to stay little forever.

...Groundhog Day.
Yeah, thanks Phil... 6 more weeks of winter. Bleh.  We've already had a few rounds of snow (and ice), and I am already done.  I love how pretty it is first, then I'm good... you can go now.

...Gwensday.
Gwen still calls Wednesday, "Gwensday."  And I refuse to correct her just yet.  I just love the cuteness. I don't even think that people realize sometimes that she is saying it, because it is so subtle, but I do, and I adore it.  Anyway, Gwensday means that we are halfway through the week... thank goodness, and the weekend is upon us.

So, listen, I really am going to try to blog more often.  Really.  But, if not, don't hate me... m'kay?  This space of mine is in need of a serious revamping, and hopefully I can get to it little by little.  Thanks.

I Want A New Mommy.

Today was one of my worst days as a mom.  Those words - "I want a new mom" actually came out of my baby girl's mouth.  Over a waffle.  With butter.  And syrup.

Let me back up.

Gwen's eating habits kinda suck.  Her menu is small.  And she would rather me cut off an arm than try something new.  And it takes a RIDICULOUS amount of time. But, this is all my fault.  I've created this.  So, I've just always dealt with it.

Until recently.

I figured that since Gwen is four now and we can communicate a lot easier, that it was the perfect time to start correcting these "issues."

First up... nothing at the table but dinner.

No toys.  No iPad.  No distractions.  Just dinner.  I've been bad with this because when Gwen eats, it's usually just me with the girls here.  I am balancing Gwen's dinner, feeding Addie, and usually making our dinner all at the same time.  So, I am ashamed to say that having Gwen distracted a little while eating... helps me. {cringe}

So yesterday, I laid it down to her.  And she SCREAMED until she threw up.  I shit you not.  I put her to bed at 5pm because she was SO bad.  And I had LOST my cool.  I was SO thrown by the way she reacted.  When Hubs got home, I left.  I got in the car and freaked out.  I was so pissed at the way I handled things.  At how far they had gone {her not eating and being in bed by 5pm AND asleep because of all the crying}.  I prayed that this wouldn't be something she remembers when she grows up.  That she would forgive me in the morning.  And that I would find my patience to deal with it again today.  Because I know, that to change something takes at least two weeks.

She woke up thinking that it was a one time deal.  She loved me again.  But had thought she won the battle.  So I made her usual {as of late} waffles, with butter and syrup.  Put it on the empty table and said, "Ok, baby time for breakfast. Hop on up."

Her lip started to quiver.

"No, baby, you can do this.  Just eat and THEN we can play."

"My belly hurts."

"No it doesn't Gwen, you are just upset that you can't have what you want."

I then feed her a piece of waffle and instead of chewing she SCREAMS at the top  of her lungs.

This continues for longer then I care to remember.  Because all I can hear is her saying, "I want a new mommy."

Now, in the moment, it enraged me.  I knew what she was doing.  She was trying to do anything not to eat the waffle.  A waffle!!! Not like it was a fucking brussel sprout here.  So, I let it go.  But the morning got to the point where she was sent to her room because her screaming led to Addie crying which then led to a shitshow of a morning.  And once she got to her room... I lost it. 

She wants a new mom?!?

I'm that awful?!?

I couldn't contain the tears.

I felt like a failure.

After a few minutes she called me in, asking if she had school.  To which I replied, only if she ate some more.  We compromised.  She ate some more, but not it all.  And she ended up telling me that she didn't want me to go.  She didn't want a new mom.  But, you can't erase that from your mind.

The rest of the day we both treated each other so softly.  Reminding each other that we loved each other.  And dinner... well, it was a big step up from last night {and this morning}.  Tonight she said one more time before I left her room, "I'm sorry Mommy.  I don't want you to go."

I said back to her, "I'm never going anywhere, Gwen. I love you."

Parenting is some ride, man.  Some ride.  

I Don't Have A Baby...

Addie Kay is 10 months old (yesterday), and yes, I know that still makes "a baby," but this kid wants NO part of being a baby.  She is growing up way faster than I could have ever imagined!

She has been walking since a week before she turned 9 months.  AN 8 MONTH OLD WALKER! She basically skipped crawling and went straight to running.  She is miserable in a playpen, high chair, stroller, etc.  She wants to move, move, move.  It's soooo strange seeing this tiny little "doll" running around the house. And it also means that I never get a break... unless she's sleeping.  I do have to admit that I am so proud of her, and love watching her run into my arms.  The. cutest.

Addison also wants NO part of "baby" food.  None.  She sees that bowl and spoon and no matter how hungry, she tightens her lips together, turns her head to the side, and begins flailing her arms in every which way, which usually results in a baby food shower for us both.  She wants "big kid" food and wants to feed it to herself like a "big girl."  So, we have been trying to accommodate her as best we can with soft food that she can handle herself.

She no longer falls asleep in our arms {sniffle, sniffle}.  I have to say that I think this one is the hardest.  We don't plan on having anymore kids, so I was hoping that the baby part would last a little bit longer.  But, no. :(  On the other hand, she is a really GREAT snuggler.  She loves to bury her head in your shoulder and squeeze tight... gets me every time.

I think she is growing and doing so quickly because she wants to keep up with her big sister, whom she adores.  And I will say that I look forward to the day (probably soon) that Gwen and Addie are walking hand in hand, side by side.  I am not, however, looking forward to the day that they form their sister alliance and gang up on mom, lol.  I know that one is inevitable.

I know that it's said the second child grows even faster than the first, but I feel like I have blinked and 10 months has gone by.  Just thinking that she will be turning one in two months blows my mind.  I am pretty sure I'll be a mess. 

Addie Kay, please stay little forever.

4 Years.

My Sweet Gwenyth Cynthia,

Four years ago, you came into the world and changed so many lives.  Four years ago, you gave your Daddy and I the GREATEST gift we could ever have been given.  You let us be your parents.

You are growing too fast, baby girl.  You're smarter than we can keep up with.  You have a heart of gold.  You radiate unconditional love. Your laugh is infectious.  Your smile melts hearts.  You are, and will always be, our baby girl.

I told you last night, that I was so sad that you were growing up, and without skipping a beat, you told me not to be sad, "be happy, I'm a big girl."  And you're right.  I will be happy.  Because, I could not be prouder to be your mom.  You have taught me so much about life, and made me realize what I was put on this Earth to do.

You are such an amazing little girl.  You mean so much to us.  You are the best big sister to your Addiecakes,  No one makes her laugh and smile like you do.  You are a bright ray of sunshine.

 

We love you more than we could ever put into words.  We love you, through and through...

Happy 4th Birthday to the coolest, silliest, sweetest, most beautiful girl in the whole world... our Gwen-bo-ben.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy & Addie Kay

Remembering.

I used to think that when people said they knew exactly where the were the moment JFK was shot, or a war began, etc., that there was NO WAY they knew EXACTLY every detail.  I thought, "not possible."  Until September 11, 2001.

I was 17.  I was a senior in Mr. Andrews' Marketing class.  It was the strangest, eeriest, most confusing day, to say the least.  I remember being in denial that it could possibly be "on purpose," or a terrorist attack.  Then, feeling violated.  "What was happening?!"  Even if it wasn't being said, there was panic throughout the halls.  Quiet panic.

I remember calling out of work and going to home to an empty house while my mom was still at work for a little while.  I had been home alone plenty of times.  But, this was different.  I didn't want to be alone.  I couldn't grasp what I was seeing. What was happening.  I remember worrying, "Is it over yet?!"  I lived in a town with a power plant, "Was that next?!"  It was the most unsafe I (as well as many others) have ever felt, to this day.

The world changed that day.  At 17, I became a lot less naive about the world that I lived in.  A lot more skeptical.  A bit less carefree.  I'm sure we all did.

I didn't lose any family or friends, but I did feel loss.  And with each year, I feel more and more emotional about it.  I see the children who were young, sometimes even infants or yet to be born when their loved ones were taken, and I, now a mom, cry at the thought that they don't know their moms or dads.  Or I see the husbands and wives who's "happily ever after" was cut short and I, now a wife, feel their heartache.

It's so strange because with each year, I feel more affected by the loss of innocence.  This year especially.

My Uncle, Tom, is a fireman for the NYFD.  He was not my uncle at the time, but is now, and I am always in awe of his bravery, and how humble he is while doing it.  He responded to Ground Zero that day and spent many months helping in the recovery.  I've heard him tell stories of that day, of the brothers he lost, and how apocalyptic it was.

I don't think I could put into words how much I admire him.  He's a great guy and our family is lucky to have him as a part of ours.

He gave Hubs and I the most amazing opportunity this summer.  When the 9/11 Museum opened, they first opened it up to all of the first responders, their families, and residents of the area, and he let us go with him.

To say that it was emotional is the understatements of all understatements.  It was like it had happened the day before. It was tragic, yet beautiful.  Hubs and I sort of felt like outsiders because we knew that everyone we were walking around with were there.  These were THEIR memories, they LIVED right in it.  We would be walking around looking at pictures and hear people (including my uncle) say, "Oh look, there's _____" It was surreal.  Things like wallets and eyeglasses, and bikes. Broadcasts from the moment it was happening... one minute they were talking about who's dating who in the celebrity world, and the next we were under attack.  Voice mails to and from loved ones... the last ever exchanged.  The dispatch calls, calling pretty much every possible unit who wasn't already there.  It was unbelievable.

We were there for a few hours, yet I am sure that we could have spent even more.

I am so thankful for that experience, and one day, when they are old enough to comprehend it, I will walk with my girls through the museum and tell my "I remember" story.  And show them that among all of this chaos, we, as a nation, as human beings, persevered.  That good will always win over evil.

I will Never Forget  that day.  Thank you to all the men and women who serve our country, the people who put their lives on the line for the safety of others.  You are heroes that walk among us.

Mom Guilt

It's been just about four years since I've "worked".  I know, I know, I DO work, but I mean, leave the house, commute, collect a paycheck-kind of work.  I feel extremely blessed to spend every day with my kiddos, but that doesn't mean that I haven't dealt with "Mom Guilt".

The most ridiculous thing is that the only one who guilts me... is me. Dumb, but true.

Hubs is super supportive in so many ways about me being a SAHM.  I mean, we do have the occasional "You think I have a party every day at work" "No, but you do shit by yourself, right?" argument, but he is the first one to accept cooking dinner because I seem fried {or just because}, the first one to say "Go. Just go." when the day is long and I am not asking for a break.  He's truly great. He prefers that I am home with them... just as much as me.

It's me who, once I finally step foot outside of the house without a diaper bag or kids, feels like "I should be with them." Or "I shouldn't be this tired or stressed out." It's me who "reprimands" myself for not being more patient, or creative, or whatever other critique I can put on myself.

I also find myself cringing sometimes when answering the question, "What do you do?"  "Oh, I'm just a stay-at-home mom."  Like, wtf, Sam?!  What I do is important.  And just because I don't bring home a paycheck, I am saving my family money by being the childcare.  So WHY do I do that??? What I do is just as important as anyone else, and I should be proud of it.

It's such a strange thing, Mom guilt.  It makes me question myself more than I ever could have imagined. I am lucky enough to have these beautiful little reminders that I am doing something right, something that matters, that I am doing a good "job"...